Labour of Love. UB40

           

Labour of Love. 

UB40

Thor.

A Mad Hatters Last Tea Party.

My little version of  "A Mad Hatters Tea party" came about when I was in college - now twelve years ago- when I was doing performance study's. we were given a list of titles to choose from. One of which was "The Mad Hatters Tea party". which we picked. not the best one for us to pick considering between the 13 of us had we an amazing -shale we say - collection of absurd ideas and view and every thing we done was 'theater of the absurd'. Until now the notes for this piece have been sitting in a note pad in a box under my bed gathering dust. 

(There have been some changes as well as added lyrics from Nicklebacks 'this afternoon.)

A Mad Hatters Last Supper Tea Party

Lights go up---Table centre stage. tableauxof the last supper---Back lit in open white and front lit in blue. Back and front lights fade and over head Lights fade up open white wash.

MAD HATTER
--- Twinkle, twinkle little bat how I wonder where your at.---
ALICE
---Here we go again---
---What is he going on about?---
CATERPILLAR
Smoking on his pipe
---Who knows my dear---
--- Who knows anything---
TWEEDLE DEE
--- I know things---
TWEEDLE DUM
---Yeah we know stuff---
TWEEDLE DEE and TWEEDLE DUM start pushing each other.
DORMOUSE
--- You are only as strong as your weakest link.---
DODO
---What’s that got to do with knowing things?---
DORMOUSE
---I don’t know---
Shrugging his shoulders.
QUEEN
---With knowledge comes power. With power comes status---
MARCH HARE
---You what?---
--- How comes you’re here?---
--- How invited you?---
QUEEN
---Well I was invited by the Nave of hearts---
NAVE OF HEARTS
---I was invited by the white rabbit---
WHITE RABBIT
---Well Dodo invited me.---
DODO
---I was asked too come by them two---
Pointing with his wing too Tweedle Dum and Tweedle dee
TWEEDLE DUM
--- well I was invited by him---
Pointing to Tweedle dee
TWEEDLE DEE
---No I was invited by him---
Pointing at Tweedle dum
TWEEDLE DUM AND TWEEDLE DEE
---we were invited by the mock turtle---
Pointing too the mock turtle who was crying
THE MOCK TURTLE
---The dormouse invited me to the tea party---
DORMOUSE
---well I believe that the march hera  invited me---
 THE MARCH HARE
---Well Alice invited me---
He said shaking while holding his cup and saucer
ALICE
---well it was the Cheshire Cat who invited me---
CHESHIRE CAT
---I was invited here by my good friend the Mad Hatter--
MAD HATTER
---oh well my dears I was invited by the caterpillar--- 
CATERPILLAR
---yes I did invite you. But I was invited by the queen of hearts---
QUEEN
---Well I was invited by the Nave of hearts---
NAVE
---I was invited by the white rabbit---
WHITE RABBIT
---Well Dodo invited me.---
DODO
---I was asked too come by them two---
Pointing with his wing too Tweedle Dum and Tweedle dee
TWEEDLE DUM
--- well I was invited by him---
Pointing to Tweedle dee
TWEEDLE DEE
---No I was invited by him---
Pointing at tweedle dum
MAD HATTER
He stands up and claps his hands twice and they all freeze
---You better hang on if your taggin’ along, cause we’ll being do this to six in the morning.---
He sits down and claps his hands twice and they all carry on
QUEEN
She stands up and screens
---No not again. Off with their head.---
MAD HATTER
Stands, raises his hands
 ---Change places---
He claps his hands twice

Over head lights off---back lit only
All Characters dive over under and around the table
Hatter claps twice again and the lights are restored

ALICE
---So when did all this happen?---
MARCH HARE
---what happen?---
MOCK TURTLE
---I think she means us all being invited to this tea party.---
ALL
(Apart from alice)
---Who knows?---
TWEEDY DEE
---It’s a bit like the chicken---
TWEEDY DUM
--- And the egg---
WHITE RABBIT
----So here we all are---
NAVE
---All 13 of us---
DODO
---Unlucky for some---
MOCK TURTLE
---Oh no---
MARCH HARE
---Will you stop blabbering---
ALICE
---why are you so sad Mock Turtle---
MOCK TURTLE
---Well---
---I can’t quite remember---
NAVE
---Why is 13 meant to be unlucky?---
QUEEN
---13 turns to make a hang mans noose---
CHESHIRE CAT
---It takes 13 days for the moon to change from a full moon to a new moon---
MAD HATTER
---So if 13 is meant to be unlucky why is seven lucky?---
CATERPILLAR
---There are seven heavens ---
ALICE
----There are seven colours in a rain bow---
ALL
--- Some where over the rain bow, way up high There’s a place that I heard of once in a lullaby--
WHITE RABBIT
----The seven deadly sins---
QUEEN
---How are they lucky---
WHITE RABBIT
---I don’t know---
QUEEN
---off with his head---
DORMOUSE
---The 7 wonders of the world---
MAD HATTER
--- the seven days of creation---
MARCH HARE
--- oh no now, hes going to start getting all religious on us and preaching god---
MAD HATTER
The mad hater stands --smiles--- raises his hands.
---Change places---
And claps his hands twice
Over head lights off --- back lit only.
All Characters dive over under and around the table
Hatter claps twice again and the lights are restored
QUEEN
---So really no one can think of why 7 is lucky---
Muttering from all
QUEEN
---No one can think of any thing---
MAD HATTER
---Tea any one---
ALL
---yes please---
QUEEN
---Is any one listening to me?---
ALL
---NO---
DODO
---Cos we don’t like you ---
The queen sits crossed armed sulking
TWEEDLE DUM
---if seven is meant to be lucky ---
TWEEDLE DEE
---And 13 is unlucky---
TWEEDLE DUM AND TWEEDLE DEE
---So what makes 3 times a charm?---
ALICE
---there is a belief that, under English law, anyone who survived three attempts at hanging would be set free---
NAVE
---The holy trinity ---
DORMOUSE
---The farther, the son and the holy ghost---
They cross them selfs
TWEEDLE DUM 
---GHOST!---
TWEEDLE DEE
---Where?---
They Scream and they all jump under the table apart from Cheshire cat--- whom walks across the table and stands centre. 
CHESHIRE CAT
---didn’t your mother tell you that there’s no such thing as ghosts---
QUEEN
---Of course I wasn’t scared. Where you?---
WHITE RABBIT
---no never---
ALICE
---Not me---
TWEEDLE DUM and TWEEDLE DEE
---No---
NAVE
---No way--
TWEEDLE DEE AND TWEEDLE DUM
---Not us--
MOCK TURTLE
---The three pigs---
MAD HATTER
---Three months in each season---
ALICE
---The three wise men---
MARCH HARE, DORMOUSE, NAVE
Jump up on to the table and begain to sing.
---We three king of Orient are, Bearing gifts we travelled afar, Field and fountain, moor and mountain, following younder star.---
ALL
---Oh star of morning, star of light star of royal,  beauty bright, westward leading, still proceeding, guiding us to thy perfect light.---
QUEEN
---The three witch form Macbeth---
MARCH HARE
---Don’t say that name!---
They all stand spin around 3 times on the spot and spit over their left shoulders
ALICE, QUEEN and DODO walk round and over the table  and stand in front.
ALICE
---When shall we three meet again In thunder, lightning, or in rain? ---
QUEEN
---When the hurlyburly's done, When the battle's lost and won. ---
DODO
---That will be ere the set of sun.---
ALICE
---Where the place?---
QUEEN
---Upon the heath.---
DODO
---There to meet with Macbeth. ---
ALICE
---I come, Graymalkin!---
QUEEN
---Paddock calls.---
DODO
---Anon. ---
ALICE, QUEEN and DODO 
---Fair is foul, and foul is fair: Hover through the fog and filthy air---
DODO
---A drum, a drum! Macbeth doth come.---
ALICE, QUEEN and DODO 
---The weird sisters, hand in hand, Posters of the sea and land,
Thus do go about, about: Thrice to thine and thrice to mine
And thrice again, to make up nine. Peace! the charm's wound up.---
WHITE RABBIT
--- I don’t get it.---
NAVE
---neither do I---
MARCH HARE
---I’m confused---
Scratching his head
CATERPILLAR
Caterpillar stands and smokes on his pipe clears his throut:
---This is the land of confusion---
ALL
The rest join in singing slow
---This is the world we live in
And these are the hands we're given
So use them and let's start trying
To make it a place worth living in ---

They all sit and for a moment they are all silent playing with there tea cups

MAD HATTER
---any one for cake--
ALICE
---oh yes please--
DODO
---Me two---
MOCK TURTLE
---And me ---
QUEEN
---hand me one ---
They all reach for a cake and then go silent again
QUEEN
---I say have you got any fruit… rather then cake?---
MAD HATTER
---I have soon oranges--- 
Walking around the table jugerling them
---“Oranges and lemons"---
MARCH HARE
---say the Bells of St. Clement's---
ALICE
---"You owe me five farthings"--- 
DODO
---say the Bells of St. Martin's---
MOCK TURTLE
---"When will you pay me?"---
WHITE RABBIT
---say the Bells of Old Bailey---
TWEEDLE DEE
---"When I grow rich"---
TWEEDLE DUM
--- say the Bells of Shoreditch---
NAVE
---"When will that be?" ---
CHESHIRE CAT
---say the Bells of Stepney---
CATERPILLAR
---"I do not know"---
DORMOUSE
---say the Great Bells of Bow---

All laugh but the queen

QUEEN
--- if you ask me---
Sipping on her tea
MAD HATTER
---which we didn’t ---
QUEEN
---you are all mad as a march hear---
MARCH HARE
---why are you always picking on me I’m not mad.---
He throws his cup and cake a cross the table
CHESHIRE CAT
---Why is it a bad thing to say the name Mac…---
CATERPILLAR
---STOP HIM---
The nave and the white rabbit grab him and put there hands over his mouth.
TWEEDLE DUM
---its because Shakespeare is meant to have used--
TWEEDLE DEE
---real witch spells in the play--
TWEEDLE DUM AND TWEEDLE DEE
---causing them to cures the play---
TWEEDLE DEE
---so if you menchion the name of the play---
TWEEDLE DUM 
---some one is sure to be hurt---
TWEEDLE DEE
---or worse---
TWEEDLE DUM AND TWEEDLE DEE
---killed---
Looking at each other nodding
ALICE
---fuck me they really do no stuff---
MAD HATTER
Stands, raises his hands
 ---Change places---
He claps his hands twice
Over head lights off---back lit only
All Characters dive over under and around the table
Hatter claps twice again and the lights are restored
MOCK TURTLE
---ooww---
ALICE
---That’s my place---
Pushing him off the seat. Mock turtle sticks his tong out and slowly walks over to the empty seat crying.
CHESHIRE CAT
---Now I was told once that 4 is meant to be the magic number---
WHITE RABBIT
---now I’ve heard of the for seasons---
CATERPILLAR
---what the weather occurrence on the restaurant?---
MAD HATTER
--- and the four elements---
MARCH HARE
---Five if you live in china---
QUEEN
---No no no no---
     She gets up and walks over to the small black board S/L and turns it around to revile   writing: thirteen = eight letters in, eight = five letters, five = four letters, and because the word "four" has four letters in it just like the number, the cycle number.
---If you write the numbers out. 
"thirteen" has eight letters in it, 
"eight" has five, 
"five" has four, 
and because the word "four" has four letters in it just like the number, the cycle ends there. 
This only happens with four, so it is the "magic number" ---
Sitting back down.
---This happens with all words and numbers ---
ALICE
---What ever queenie---
DODO
---The four musketeers---
MOCK TURTLE
---Four suits in a pack of cards---
MAD HATTER
---The four horse man of the apocalypse---

WHITE RABBIT, NAVE, MARCH HARE and CATERPILLAR climb up on to the table.
Mad Hatter stands at one end of the table.

MAD HATTER
---Abandon hope all ye who enter here---
He Raises his hands claps twice.
Lights snap to black and a over head spot light snaps on S/R over the WHITE RABBIT
WHITE RABBIT
---I watched as the lamb opened the first of the seven seales. Then I heard one of the four living creatures say in a voice like thunder.---
---“Come and see”---
I looked and there before me was a white house! Its rider held a bow, and he was given a crown, and he rode out as a conqueror, bent on conquest.---

Mad Hatter claps his hands twice.
S/R spot snaps off
Mad Hatter claps his hands twice.
C/R over head spot light snaps on over the NAVE.

NAVE
---when the lamp opened the second seal, I heard the second creature say---
---”Come and see”---
---then another hors came out, a firey red one. Its rider was given the power to take peace from the earth and to make men slay each other.---
---and to him was given a large sword---

Mad Hatter claps his hands twice.
C/R spot snaps off
Mad Hatter claps his hands twice.
C/L over head spot light snaps on over the MARCH HEAR.

MARCH HARE
---When the lamb opened the 3rd seal. I heard the 3rd living creature say---
---“Come and see”---
---I looked and there before me was a black horse!---
---Its rider was holding a pair of scales in his hand---
---then I heard what sounded like a voice among the four living creatures saying:---
---“A quart of wheat for a days pay and three quarts of barley for a days wages and do not damage the oil and wine!”---

Mad Hatter claps his hands twice.
C/l spot snaps off
Mad Hatter claps his hands twice.
S/L over head spot light snaps on over the CATERPILLAR.

CATERPILLAR
---When the lamb opened the forth seal, I heard the voice of the forth living creature saying:---
---”Come and see”---
---I looked and there before me was a pale horse its rider was named death and hades was following close behind him.---
---They were given the power over the fourth of the earth to kill by sword, famine and plaque and by the wild beasts of the earth.---

Mad Hatter claps his hands twice.
S/l spot snaps off
Mad Hatter claps his hands twice. And the lights are restored.

MAD HATTER
Looks and smiles at the audence with his hands still raised
 ---Change places---
He claps his hands twice

Over head lights off---back lit only
All Characters dive over under and around the table
Hatter claps twice again and the lights are restored

MOCK TURTLE
Crying and sobbing loudly.
ALICE
---know what’s wrong?---
NAVE
---I don’t think he knows---
MOCK TURTLE
Walks to C/S and pulls out a pack of cards and sits on the floor
---In a pack of cards you have four suits each resenting a season---
---Spades, spring. Clubs summer. Hearts autumn. Diamonds winter.---
---Also one suit for each week in a month---
---52 cards each one for each week in a year and one joker---
----If you add up all the sports on the cards, queen being 11 jack 12 king 13 and joker 1, it will add up to 365, the number of days in a year and the black and white joker is the 1 day extra in one in four years.---
---There are 12 face cards the number of mouth in a year--
---13 tricks the number of weeks in season---

Alice sneaks up behind him with an inflated plastic bag and then puts it over his head.
Count 1-2-3 and then she pulls it off and he falls backwards DEAD!
 She wipes her hands 

 ALICE 
---sorry but he’s crying was getting in my nerves---
CHESHIRE CAT
---I know this one--- 
Picking up the cards
---Ace the one true god---
---Two the old and new testaments / heaven and earth---
---Three is for the holy trinity, the father the son and the holy ghost.---
ALL 
---Scream---
CHESHIRE CAT
---There is no such thing as ghosts---
Continues and throws each card into the air
---Three is for Matthew mark luck and john---
---Five is for the two groups of five virgins who trimmed their lamps for their wedding. Five were wise and five were foolish---
---Six is for the number of days god took to create heaven and earth---
---Seven, the seventh day on which he rested---
---Eight is the number of people saved during the great flood---
---Nine is for the nine lepers that did not thank Jesus---
---Ten is for the ten commandments---
---The king, one king in heaven---
---The queen the virgin Mary---
---The nave is the devil!---
And throws the remanding cards in to the air.
MAD HATTER
Raises his hands
 ---Change places---
He claps his hands twice

Over head lights off---back lit only
All Characters dive over under and around the table
Hatter claps twice again and the lights are restored
CATERPILLAR is laying on the table and MOCK TURTLE is alive again

DORMOUSE
---So… why are we here?---
CATERPILLAR
--- 42---
DODO
---I want what he’s smoking---
CHESHIRE CAT
---That don’t answer the question---
CATERPILLAR
---yes it does---
---It is the answer to the ultimate question---
WHITE RABBIT
---and that is?---
CATERPILLAR
---Why do you think I would know---
MOCK TURTLE
---cries and sobs---
QUEEN
---And what may I pray are you doing back here?---
MOCK TURTLE
--- your evil. Your just a big, short friendless bully!---
---Mr Hatter make her go away---
MAD HATTER
---Sorry mock turtle but I cant---
MOCK TURTLE
Sobs more
MAD HATTER 
---there, there don’t cry---
He pulls a hanky from his pocket and hands it to him
QUEEN
---There’s no evil without good---
TWEEDLE DEE and TWEEDLE DUM
---No heaven with out hell---
CHESHIRE CAT
 ---No villain with out a hero---
NAVE
---HERO’S---
ALL
---Superman. Batman. Wonder woman .Wolverine. Green latten.
Professor X. iron man. The hulk. Captain America. Robin. Thor, Odin 
And all the fantastic four
MAD HATTER
Claps his hands twice and they all freeze
---Ooh Superman where are you now
When everything's gone wrong somehow
The men of steel, the men of power
Are losing control by the hour.---
he claps his hands twice and they continue
DODO
---VILLAINS---
ALL
---joker. Two face. Red skull. Magneto. Lex luthor. Doctor No.
Green goblin. Loki Laufeyson
DORMOUSE
---HELL---
ALL
---Demons. Fire. burning. Toucher. Sins. Drowning. Fallen angels. 
ALICE
---HEAVEN---
ALL
---the pearly gates. Clouds and sunshine, angles singing, dressed in white.---
MAD HATTER
The Mad Hatter raises his hands and claps twice and they all stop
---this is not the human walk this is the human race if you ain’t sitting on the edge you taken to much space.---
MARCH HARE
---zombie walk---
MARCH HEAR, TWEEDLE DEE and TWEEDLE DUM walk like zombies across the table
DODO
 ---America vs. Russia ---
NAVE
---England vs. Germany---
ALICE
---Sshh… don’t mention the war!---
ALL 
---Two world wars and one world cup. Two world wars and one world cup---

As The MAD HATTER walks across in front of the table doing the “John Cleaves, goose step’. they all laugh and point.

QUEEN
Stands and points
---OFF WITH HIS HEAD---

They all stop and look at the hatter and they climb over the table chanting

ALL
---off with his head. Off with his head. Off with his head---
MAD HATTER
---NO, NO--- 

He screams as they grab him and pull him on to the table and hold him down
 The NAVE draws his sword and cuts off his head.
They all throw red ribbons in to the air.

ALICE
Standing over the MAD HATTER
--- so here he lies the hat maker of wonder land---
---The land of confusion---
ALL
---This is the world we live in
And these are the names we're given
Stand up and let's start showing
Just where our lives are going to.---
MARCH HARE
---I’ve just had a thought---
DORMOUSE
---He thinks, he thinks---
WHITE RABBIT
---Well that must have hurt---
DODO
---Would you like to lit down?---
MARCH HARE
---oh back off you mad loons---
---my thought is--
He clears his throat
---have you  noticed that  the world revolves around the playing cards?---
---Or dose the playing cards revolves around the world?---
QUEEN
---you stupid thing---
---The world revolves around the cards---
----And as Queen---
ALL
--- oh shut up---
WHITE RABBIT
---this is a time for morning---
MAD HATTER
---morning? That means it is a good time for tea---
He jumps up bows to all and puts on his hat
NAVE
---But But… oh I give up---
MAD HATTER
---give up on what my dear friend?---
Stepping down from the table
---So where were we before the Queen of stone hearts over there decided to go all off with my head---
The MOCK TURTLE tugs on his jacket and whispers in his ear.
---Arr yes. The best cup of tea is made in pot---
MOCK TURTLE
---that’s not what I said---
DODO
---That’s not what we were talking about---
DORMOUSE
---Have you lost your head---
MAD HATTER
---well I did---
CATERPILLAR
---I have a question?---
---With in our little play the three witch speak of;
---“Thrice to thine and thrice to mine
And thrice again, to make up nine. Peace! the charm's wound up”---
---So wouldn’t that make nine times the charm?---
MARCH HARE
---NO NO NO, ---
QUEEN
--- there are nine circus of hell.
One for all the sins and more---
DODO
--- I thought there was only 7 sins---
NAVE
NAVE hits DODO round the head
---weren’t you listening, one of ever sin and more--
ALICE
---and what about that saying “when hell freezes over”---
WHITE RABBIT
---I thought hell was all fire and brimstone---
TWEEDLE DUM
---what is---
TWEEDLE DUN and TWEEDLE DEE
---Brimstone?---
CHESHIRE CAT
---brimstone is another world for sulfur---
DORMOUSE
---And what has that got to do with hell?---
NAVE
---apparently it’s meant to be gods wrath---
QUEEN
---his evilness---
MARCH HARE
---his twistdness---
WHITE RABBIT
---his haterd---
DODO
---his anger--
MOCK TURTLE
---his jealousy---
ALICE
---His rage--- 
CATERPILLAR
---so basicly we are say god and the devil are one and the same---
CHESHIRE CAT
---he’s some poor messed up Angel with a split personality disorder---
TWEEDLE DUM
---Why and Angel?---
TWEEDLE DEE
---yes why an Angle?---
MAD HATTER
---oh you poor un-educated falls---
NAVE
---don’t you 2 watch tv---
CHESHIRE CAT
---the devil is meant to have been the angle Lucifer. The Angel of beauty and love. Cast down to hell. For not eating he’s greens!---
CATERPILLAR
--- and where may I ask were you educated?--- 
CHESHIRE CAT
---in a trash can down a side road in Camden town---
MARCH HARE
---What about the 9 gates of hell---
DORMOUSE
---one gate of each circle--- 
MAD HATTER
---Change places---
And claps his hands twice

Over head lights off --- back lit only.
All Characters dive over under and around the table
Hatter claps twice again and the lights are restored

QUEEN
---will you stop telling us to change places!---
MAD HATTER
Smiles at the audience
---Change places---
And claps his hands twice

Over head lights off --- back lit only.
All Characters dive over under and around the table

Hatter claps twice again and the lights are restored

---NO. I will not. So go to hell---
Throwing a napkin at her
QUEEN
---not until it freezes over---
ALICE
--- Well if you beg my pardon your majesty---
Standing and curtseying
---the ninth hell is already frozen over. It one big ice cube.---
NAVE
--- So if you leave now you’ll be there by tea time---
The QUEEN hits him with her sceptre
---Ouch that hurt---
MAD HATTER
--- tea time?---
All
--- oh shut it---
TWEEDLE DEE and TWEEDLE DUM
--- we have a question?---
CHESHIRE CAT
---- don’t we all?---
TWEEDLE DEE
---Why is seven the lucky  number?---
TWEEDLE DUM
----And why is 4 the magic number?---
MOCK TURTLE
---And why do you turn around three times backwards when someone says the name---
Looks at audience smiles 
--MACBETH---
ALL
---oh for fuck sake---
They all stand spin around 3 times on the spot and spit over their left shoulders
ALICE
--- because it’s a cursed play---
DORMOUSE
---and because three times a charm---
CHESHIRE CAT
---and that is the way it has always been---
CATERPILLAR
---so do we no why we are all here?---
DODO
---and whom invited whom first---
NAVE
---And who invited her---
Pointing to the QUEEN
MARCH HARE
---I don’t think any of us really know--
MAD HATTER
---does it really matter? We are all here so lets have tea---
Holding up the tea pot.
QUEEN
---that to me sounds like a splendid idea---
Holding up her cup

HATTER pores her a cup.
They all settle down back in to the tableaux that they where at the start. And the lights slowy began to fade.

MAD HATTER
Smiles at the audience. And claps his hands twice
Over head lights off --- back lit only.
With a single over head spotlight C/S, over the MAD HATTER

----I did warn you that you better hang on if you're taggin' along. Cause we'll be doin this 'till 6 in the morning’ ---
---And to abandon hope. All ye that enter here---
---As---
---There's too many men. Too many people. Making too many problems. And not much love to go round. Can't you see.---

He raises his hands and claps twice.
the spot light snaps off and the lights are restored

---This is a land of confusion.--- 
ALL
singing
---This is the world we live in
And these are the hands we're given
Use them and let's start trying
To make it a place worth living in.---

MAD HATTER claps his hands twice and all lights snap to black out.
(in the dark you hear)

CATERPILLAR
---has any one noticed that there are 13 of us just like in the last super?---
MARCH HARE
---yes and we don’t care---
ALICE
---shut up and stop questioning every thing---
NAVE
---how said that?---
DODO
---Alice---
DORMOUSE
---Alice---
ALL 
---who the fuck is Alice---
MOCK TURTLE
---I don’t know---
QUEEN
---well who ever see is---
---Off with her head!---

The end.

©sarah patel